off topic ....but.....

[Ti-Mike]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
she told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he could remember easily
and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect
to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair
laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED.... ... NOT LONG ENOUGH





**********************************

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well,
One day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.



---------------------

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

From all of us at the Fire Station. "We'll never forget you.''


-------------------------


A drunk stumbles out of a bar with his car keys in his hand and his pants and boxers around his ankles.

A cop sees him and says, “You're not planning on driving tonight, are you, sir?”

“Ahhh... no! Somebody... somebody stole my car.”

The cop asks, “Right. And where was the last time you saw it?”

“It was on the end of this key,” says the drunk.

“Uh-huh. Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” the cop says.

The drunk looks down at his **** and balls and says, “My girlfriend’s gone, too!”

-----------------------

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst..

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath --when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work.. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

She smiled and said, 'What do you have to lose?? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, 'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish ? '

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me'

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon!

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

[mngolfer]

You made me smile this morning.

[MikeB]

Nice one Mike!